Monday, 10 November 2014

seven things I never imagined saying...

Yesterday, I was in the middle of telling my nine year old to get down from the top of the hedge and bring the dog with her, when I thought - this is one of those things I never imagined having to say. Which in turn reminded me of all the other sentences I never imagined saying over the years. Which led to this list! Seven things I never imagined saying:

1.  "What do you mean we crashed into an elephant?

Said right after the driver of my motorized rickshaw rear-ended an elephant on the motorway outside of Delhi. My driver then ranted for half an hour about how stupid it was for elephants to be on the highway without lights!
as you can see, they don't come with lights!


2. "I don't need to be strip searched, the only weapons I have are the spears."

This was followed closely by the line: "What the heck kind of weapon do you think I'm hiding up there?!"  I was deemed a high-jack risk on a South American airplane because I was carrying 8 foot spears in my hand luggage. I tried to explain that spears were not a stealth weapon and someone might notice if I charged the cockpit. Plus, they weren't even sharp!

I got my spears from a tribe I visited in the Amazon. They weren't as sharp as these ones!

3. "Don't sellotape your friend's eyebrows."

Followed by: "Don't rip it off!" and "Don't worry they'll grow back." Ahhh, teaching art to twelve year old boys...

4.  "No, I'm not wanted by Interpol."

UK police tracked me down to a hotel in Nepal, because I was a witness in an assault trial - poor conductor was attacked on a train I was on. The call caused chaos and I spent hours explaining to the hotel staff and local police that I was NOT an international criminal threat. Fun times...

5.  "If I was a spy, I'd make more effort to blend in!"

Said after I was detained by the military in Ethiopia on suspicion of spying for their neighboring country. All because I was stupidly taking photos in the wrong place. You may not know this, but Ethiopian women are stunning. They are uniformly tall, beautiful, brown and elegant. I pointed out that being short, chubby, pasty-white and anything but stunning meant I had a hard time blending in and made spying pretty hard. It was still a very long few hours.

6.  "Somebody get this donkey off of me!"

Again in Ethiopia. I tripped over in a crowded market and a donkey sat on me. Donkeys are damn heavy and it took ages for him to be removed because people were too busy laughing at me.
wonderful baskets in Ethiopia too!

7.  "No thanks, I don't want to ride in the back of the truck with the camel."

I got stranded in the middle of nowhere in Oman and a helpful man offered to let me ride in the back of his pickup alongside his camel. I waited for another offer! Have to say, loved Oman, very safe and friendly.

This isn't the truck that stopped. Camels in trucks are common in Oman. Go figure!

No doubt I'll remember more ludicrous things I've said through the years, but this is enough for now. :D

2 comments:

  1. OMG this is the funniest thing I've read in ages, Janet!! Thanks for the giggles. :-)

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  2. Thanks Tracey. Most of it was funny at the time too. I have a sick sense of humour, but it probably wasn't a good idea to laugh at the Ethiopian who accused me of being a spy - he was holding a machine gun at the time!

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