Tuesday, 21 July 2015

the logic of a dieting man

Hubby came home from work this week and declared he was going on the "playero" diet. After some discussion I discovered he meant the Paleo diet. He'd been talking about it to a fellow nurse and decided he'd spend this week dieting.
"You don't eat carbs," he announced, like he knew what carbs were.
"You eat a loaf of bread a day," I said. "You realise this means no sandwiches."
He looked worried, but nodded. "I can do it."
"There's no dairy allowed on this diet either," I said.
There was stunned silence for a minute. "If I can't eat dairy what the hell am I supposed to eat? What kind of diet is this? I don't want to starve."
I took pity on him and gave him a healthy low carb cookbook and told him to do that diet. At which point he said, "I have to read this? Can't you just tell me what to eat?"
I glared at him, told him it was his diet and he had to do the work. He stomped off in a huff.

It went down hill from there. I was in the middle of writing a difficult scene when my office door thudded open. "Are cornflakes carbs?" he demanded.
"Yes," I said on a sigh.
"What about muesli?"
"Yes."
"Porridge?"
"Yes."
"What the hell am I supposed to eat for breakfast?"
"Read the book!" I slammed the door shut and got back to work.

Half an hour later the door opened again. I ground my teeth together and felt my eye begin to twitch.
"What about sweet potatoes?"
"Yes."
"Even if I deep fry them?"
My jaw dropped. "Frying them doesn't change their molecular structure. They'll still be carbs. Only they'll be covered in high fat oil as well."
"What if I used a 'healthy oil'?" He used air quotes.
I slammed the door shut on him.

There was silence for a while. I sighed in relief before heading to the kitchen for a drink. He was eating breakfast. I stopped dead in my tracks. His plate was piled high with fried eggs, bacon and sausages. He grinned. "This diet is great."
I shook my head. "Did you read the part where it talked about a low fat approach to eating?"
"I used healthy oil."
"How much did you use? A barrel?"
"Did you know sausages have carbs in them?" he said. "I read the package." He motioned to his plate. "I figured the carbs were in the skins so I took the skins off and now they're carb free." He grinned widely.
I left him to it and went back to work.

An hour later the door opened again. "Are peanuts carbs? What about Macadamias? Or cashews?"
I clenched my fists and resisted the urge to pummel him. "They have some carbs in them but they're mainly protein. But they aren't low fat."
"So I can eat nuts?"
"Yeah."
"Fantastic! I'm going to the shop," he declared.
He disappeared. I took a deep breath and tried to get back into my writing.


A while later I heard the door slam and he shouted. "I'm making lunch. Do you want something."
"A bagel and cream cheese," I shouted back.
His grinning head appeared around my door. "Bagels are carbs," he told me in the same tone my five year old uses when she gets a math question right.
"Well done. Good boy," I told him.
Obviously pleased with himself he headed for the kitchen.
A while later I got a shout that lunch was ready. I followed the smell of cooked meat to the kitchen. At the table was a small plate with a bagel on it and facing it was platter loaded with three steaks, bacon and a mountain of coleslaw. He looked so proud of himself that I didn't comment. He pointed to the coleslaw with his knife. "They sell sugar free."
"Did you read the part in the book that talked about portion control?"
He looked at me like I was nuts. I took the bagel back to my office to eat.

That night's dinner was pasta for me and the kids. Hubby made himself an omelette with at least half a dozen eggs, a block of cheese and a pack of bacon.
"You can eat as much bacon as you like on this diet," he informed everyone solemnly.
"Shouldn't you be eating vegetables?" I said.
He gave me a superior look. "The key to a good diet is plenty of protein."
I pointed at his plate. "What about all the fat?" I asked.
"It's healthy fat," he told me then rolled his eyes as though I was too ignorant to be believed. The girls giggled.

After the kids went to bed that night, I went out with a friend. I came back to find hubby watching TV and snacking. He'd eaten a family sized bag of mixed salted nuts and half a block of cheese.
"I don't know why you complain about dieting," he said. "It's easy and you never feel hungry. You can't be doing it right. Next time you diet, I'll help you."
I didn't say anything because, seriously, what could I say?!

It's day three of his "diet". He's gained five pounds, feels like crap and can't figure out why. He thinks he might be using the wrong 'healthy oil'.

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